Cow and Platypus Consider

For Aunt Amy, my favorite Lunch Lady/Librarian


Out of a rosy sunrise sky, a blueberry bagel once ringed itself on a cow's horn.

"What's this?!" said Cow.

"Oh, that's just the eagles harvesting breakfast," said Platypus.

"Well, now I have a bagel on my horn," grumbled Cow, "And I can't even eat it."

"We should ask the lunch lady what to do."

"Lunch ladies don't know anything about breakfast! Besides, they're mean."

"You're jumping to conclusions."

"I'm not jumping to anything!"

"Are too!"

Cow and Platypus looked at each other and considered a water fight. After all, that would make the bagel soggy and likely to fall off.

Suddenly, a voice said, "You should consider the librarian."

Cow and Platypus shrieked and yelled, "A LIBRARIAN?! WHERE?!"

"Right here," said the librarian.

"AHHHHHHHAHHHAHHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The librarian eyed Cow and Platypus over her glasses and placed a finger to her lips.

"NOOOOOO DON'T SAYshhhhhhhhh!"

Cow and Platypus gasped and held their breath.

The librarian smiled sweetly and said, "Now, how can I help you?"

"Cow has a bagel on her horn," said Platypus, "and I don't have hands."

The librarian took the bagel off Cow's horn and they all had a snack of toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese.

"That was a nice librarian," said Cow, as the librarian walked away.

The librarian turned and yelled back, "I forgot to tell you! I'm also a lunch lady!"

Cow and Platypus blinked.

"I guess she's a nice lunch lady too," said Platypus.

And that's how Cow and Platypus considered The Lunch Librarian nice.

Purple Hat

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump by a garden. They were ordinary but sometimes their relatives were not ordinary.

Charlie and Apple woke up on a nice day and were combing their beards (they were young gnomes and had nice red and brown beards, respectively) when they had a visit from Apple's cousin, Purple Hat. Purple Hat is called Purple Hat because he wears a purple hat and also because his real name is too secret to reveal because he is a secret agent. "A raccoon told me you have chocolate chip cookies," he said.

So, they ate cookies and milk and talked about many secret things in code. Like, about a banana riding a chocolate bar and a crocodile eating green jello (which is very unusual because everyone knows that crocodiles hate to eat jello).

They also discussed his archnemisis, a burgerlar named Cheese. He sneaks into countries where the people hate cheese and puts cheese on their burgers (that is why he is called a burgerlar). Everyone knows that it is a terrible thing to ruin someone's dinner so Purple Hat has sworn to defeat him (This secret project of defeating Cheese is so secret that everyone knows about it.)

While they were talking, suddenly Purple Hat disappeared into a cloud of smoke! Charlie looked at Apple and said, "Does he really need to be so dramatic when leaving?" "I'm still here!" said Purple Hat, "Your fireplace is broken."

After calling the chimney sweep, they went outside for fresh air. A helicopter suddenly descended and Purple Hat jumped aboard and rode away to his next secret assignment. "Told you he's a drama king," said Charlie.

The End.

The Night Trip

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump shaped like a chair and wore yellow and red hats, respectively. They were ordinary and did ordinary things. One night, they decided to take a trip to the country to see the stars.

Walking down the alley to the main road, they hitched a ride on a passing truck (this being possible because the driver was an old man who had forgotten his glasses at home). Shortly arriving in the country, they hopped off, crossed the rain ditch, and lay down on a rock to star-watch.

Suddenly, a raccoon jumped out of the grass, "ARRRRR!" Charlie and Apple were quite startled and squeaked like mice. The known-to-be-friendly raccoon sat down and blushed. He explained that he had been practicing his attack-jump on the rock. Charlie and Apple shared their chocolate chip cookies with him and counted seven shooting stars. Afterwards, they rode the raccoon back into town because there were no trucks.

The End.


Regretfully, it's been a whole year since I've written anything (as you may notice). Since then, I've acquired both a new job and a cute little rental house. Here's to finding the glee in words and my thesaurus once again.

Cow and Platypus

Out of a clear blue sky, a drop of butter once landed on a cow's nose.

"What's this?!" said the cow.

"Oh, the sun is a waffle," said a passing platypus, "It occasionally drips butter and syrup."

"Then why did cream land on my tail yesterday?"

"That was the mashed potato clouds."

"Hey!" said the cow, "You're a platypus! How am I talking to you?!"

"You're standing next to a river," said the platypus calmly.

"Fancy, I never saw it there before," said the cow.

The cow and the platypus looked at each other and wondered what to say next. It was awkward. Suddenly, the cow tripped on a flower and fell in the river. This resulted in the following dialog:

"Oh dear are stupid flower you alright well I didn't you'd think know a cow could be flowers more delicate were so resilient well they say strength lies in beautLOOKOUTAROCK! AHHHHH! *SPLASH* heeheehEEHEEHAheeHEHAHAHAHA!"

Lady Night had ate up the sun before they could speak "properly."

"I am sorry*hic*for the tid*hic*al waves," said the cow.

"It's al*hic*right. I was wet*hic*anyhow*hic*," said the platypus.

"And I was*HIC*hot anyhow."

"HAH*HIC*HAHA*hic*HAHaheeheeheeeeeee"

And that's how Cow and Platypus became friends.

Of White Rabbits

Once upon a time there was a white rabbit who lived under the spirea.
He sold delicious things like strawberry cake and lemonade cookies.
The bluebirds liked to buy his blueberry muffins.
This was because they were quite vain.
They were very fond of their beautiful blue feathers.
Consequently, they ate only blue things.
(The rabbit, wisely, did not eat only onigiri* and the insides of radishes.)

One day, the bluebirds went to buy blueberry muffins.
The rabbit was not there.
He was not anywhere.
Although puzzled, the birds decided he had gone on vacation.
He was still not back after two weeks, which was unacceptable.
The birds were tired of eating blue raspberry jello.
They decided to consult the wise green toad.
For, even though he was green, he was also bespectacled.

Why has the rabbit not returned from his vacation?
The bluebirds asked the wise green toad.
It was not a vacation, said the toad.
The Army! The Russians! The Klingons! tweedled the birds in a panic.
Silly birds! It is a common occurrence with rabbits.
Said a passing girl named Alice.
The wise green toad blinked his four large eyes in agreement and said,
Hare today, gone tomorrow.


*Japanese rice ball

The Gnomes

     Once upon a time there were two gnomes who lived in a stump beside the garden. They were named Charlie and Apple. Charlie had a yellow hat and Apple had a red hat. They were quite ordinary gnomes and did ordinary things like roll apples across the yard and turn them into pies. This particularly fine and ordinary day they decided to go for a walk down the alley behind the garden. At the end of the alley they met a black cat who was selling bow ties. Charlie bought a yellow bow tie to match his hat and Apple bought a red bow tie to match his hat.

     Having bought their bow ties and therefore now having the opportunity to look distinguished, Charlie and Apple decided to have a party. They invited their friend Celery, who wore a green hat and Apple's cousin, Purple Hat. Charlie and Apple showed Celery and Purple Hat their bow ties and Celery and Purple Hat said that they were very nice ones. Afterwards, they all had apple pie with whipped cream and sat on the roof of the house to watch the stars come out.

The End.

A Memory

     After supper, my brothers and I run outside into the backyard. The air moves sluggishly as we sit in the dark shadow of the house drawing pictures in the dust. A ripe summer sun slips behind the trees and we make a mad dash for the swings as the first cool breeze brushes our hair. Creaks of objection exhale from the swing-set as we swing higher and higher. We let go and seem to fly before landing with a thud on packed dirt.

     In the clear sky the stars peep out and the moon displays its Cheshire grin. We begin to swing slower and slower, talking of the world and spinning the stories of our future. The crickets leisurely join the stars in song. It soon fills the air. My father comes out of the house to listen. "Time to come in!" His voice cuts through the twilight. Complaining, we trudge inside to the reality of bedtime.

Rolling Orange

Once upon a time
there was an orange.
The orange rolled across the grass
until it bumped into an orange tree.
Then it stopped and did nothing
because it was an orange.

The End.

But is it?

The orange flew through the air
and kissed a different orange hanging on the orange tree.
The oranges spun and
sailed into a rose bush.
Then the orange and orangette
sat by each other until the end of time.

The Beginning.