Cow and Platypus Consider

For Aunt Amy, my favorite Lunch Lady/Librarian


Out of a rosy sunrise sky, a blueberry bagel once ringed itself on a cow's horn.

"What's this?!" said Cow.

"Oh, that's just the eagles harvesting breakfast," said Platypus.

"Well, now I have a bagel on my horn," grumbled Cow, "And I can't even eat it."

"We should ask the lunch lady what to do."

"Lunch ladies don't know anything about breakfast! Besides, they're mean."

"You're jumping to conclusions."

"I'm not jumping to anything!"

"Are too!"

Cow and Platypus looked at each other and considered a water fight. After all, that would make the bagel soggy and likely to fall off.

Suddenly, a voice said, "You should consider the librarian."

Cow and Platypus shrieked and yelled, "A LIBRARIAN?! WHERE?!"

"Right here," said the librarian.

"AHHHHHHHAHHHAHHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The librarian eyed Cow and Platypus over her glasses and placed a finger to her lips.

"NOOOOOO DON'T SAYshhhhhhhhh!"

Cow and Platypus gasped and held their breath.

The librarian smiled sweetly and said, "Now, how can I help you?"

"Cow has a bagel on her horn," said Platypus, "and I don't have hands."

The librarian took the bagel off Cow's horn and they all had a snack of toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese.

"That was a nice librarian," said Cow, as the librarian walked away.

The librarian turned and yelled back, "I forgot to tell you! I'm also a lunch lady!"

Cow and Platypus blinked.

"I guess she's a nice lunch lady too," said Platypus.

And that's how Cow and Platypus considered The Lunch Librarian nice.

Purple Hat

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump by a garden. They were ordinary but sometimes their relatives were not ordinary.

Charlie and Apple woke up on a nice day and were combing their beards (they were young gnomes and had nice red and brown beards, respectively) when they had a visit from Apple's cousin, Purple Hat. Purple Hat is called Purple Hat because he wears a purple hat and also because his real name is too secret to reveal because he is a secret agent. "A raccoon told me you have chocolate chip cookies," he said.

So, they ate cookies and milk and talked about many secret things in code. Like, about a banana riding a chocolate bar and a crocodile eating green jello (which is very unusual because everyone knows that crocodiles hate to eat jello).

They also discussed his archnemisis, a burgerlar named Cheese. He sneaks into countries where the people hate cheese and puts cheese on their burgers (that is why he is called a burgerlar). Everyone knows that it is a terrible thing to ruin someone's dinner so Purple Hat has sworn to defeat him (This secret project of defeating Cheese is so secret that everyone knows about it.)

While they were talking, suddenly Purple Hat disappeared into a cloud of smoke! Charlie looked at Apple and said, "Does he really need to be so dramatic when leaving?" "I'm still here!" said Purple Hat, "Your fireplace is broken."

After calling the chimney sweep, they went outside for fresh air. A helicopter suddenly descended and Purple Hat jumped aboard and rode away to his next secret assignment. "Told you he's a drama king," said Charlie.

The End.

Real Rain

Prosy poem or poemy prose? You decide.

Middle of the night stirs to hear the rain on the roof

After so long it surprises me

Not a thunder-rain or a wonder-is-it-there-rain 

But a Real steady splish sploshing and pitter pattering

I sleep away and wonder the wheres of January snow

Slip awake again and not expecting rain

Yet still as real and still no thunder

The uncanny silenced Kansas thunder

Remembering when I first realized

That in other places it rained without

Booms and lights and storm chasers

Tornado watches and wind that tears the leaves

In books is rain that falls without these things

We sometimes got a quiet rain but never Real

Just sprinkles, sudden showers or mists in the dark
How odd for it to rain without the shake of thunder

No other shoe dropping from the sky
Do not showers always draw up thunderstorms?

Woke again at wake-up-time and still it really rained

A strange comfortable cloudy darkness

Wishing for a cozy listening all day long

Recalling green and droughtless England

And a lush wet Kansas spring right before a brutal summer

When I stared at the world as though just three days old

Workday called my name and rose and went and still it rained

Soon out of mind until someone asked
And someone mentioned only mist

It made me sad to hear it gone

The Night Trip

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump shaped like a chair and wore yellow and red hats, respectively. They were ordinary and did ordinary things. One night, they decided to take a trip to the country to see the stars.

Walking down the alley to the main road, they hitched a ride on a passing truck (this being possible because the driver was an old man who had forgotten his glasses at home). Shortly arriving in the country, they hopped off, crossed the rain ditch, and lay down on a rock to star-watch.

Suddenly, a raccoon jumped out of the grass, "ARRRRR!" Charlie and Apple were quite startled and squeaked like mice. The known-to-be-friendly raccoon sat down and blushed. He explained that he had been practicing his attack-jump on the rock. Charlie and Apple shared their chocolate chip cookies with him and counted seven shooting stars. Afterwards, they rode the raccoon back into town because there were no trucks.

The End.


Regretfully, it's been a whole year since I've written anything (as you may notice). Since then, I've acquired both a new job and a cute little rental house. Here's to finding the glee in words and my thesaurus once again.

10 Page Papers: A Tutorial

In honor of finishing grad school and, as a result, of never again needing to write a research paper against my will, I offer this tutorial, drawn from the well of my experience, for future and present paper-writers. Please take with a grain of salt.

When confronted with a 10-pager, one is likely to panic. There are three sure antidotes:

1. If confrontation occurs at the beginning of the semester in the form of a syllabus, one may shove thoughts of the paper to the back of the mind.*
2. Having exhausted the first option, Wikipedia is a reliable source of inspiration. Search all wherefores and whodunits and become thoroughly distracted clicking from link to link to link investigating your potentially awesome subject.** 
3. Make an outline of points, each to cover a single paragraph (see below for details). Include the introduction and the conclusion to make it look longer.

One should plan to have each paragraph take a whole page. This leads to only having to discuss, at most, eight points, having at least two of which are merely extensions of their predecessors (i.e. "in the past century" and "in the future century" or "outside of a cow" and "inside of a cow"), and having one of which covers controversies.

The addition of controversies to one's paper is quite beneficial. They nearly always have the marvelous effect of taking two or more paragraphs to hammer to death since there is an ample and affordable supply of opinions, many of which can be reworded in half a dozen ways. This also has the convenient effect of making up for those inevitable half-page paragraphs (however well-intentioned to be a full page) caused by sudden attacks of indifference.

It is well known that the introduction and conclusion, being nearly void of facts and requiring much original thought, are the two most difficult paragraphs to write. The so called "body" of the paper is less trying. Please take note of the following:

Again

Shadows long
Early Sun
Time to seize the day again

Sleepy feet
Time clock beep
Sigh and go to work again

Up the lift
Down the stairs
Get into the flow again

Stapler lost
Stapler found
Nettled feelings felt again

Books off shelves
Toys on floor
Pick up after kids again

Watching clock
Pacing feet
Almost time to leave again

Hello to you
Goodbye to me
Pulling nametag off again

Walk outside
Sun in eyes
Put my feet to home again

Maid of Honor

I was happy to stand beside my dear cousin, Kendra, as she was married this past Saturday. Her wedding was lovely in colors of gray, yellow, and green.

twirling in gray frock

against the rainbow flowers

dance my yellow shoes

Cow and Platypus

Out of a clear blue sky, a drop of butter once landed on a cow's nose.

"What's this?!" said the cow.

"Oh, the sun is a waffle," said a passing platypus, "It occasionally drips butter and syrup."

"Then why did cream land on my tail yesterday?"

"That was the mashed potato clouds."

"Hey!" said the cow, "You're a platypus! How am I talking to you?!"

"You're standing next to a river," said the platypus calmly.

"Fancy, I never saw it there before," said the cow.

The cow and the platypus looked at each other and wondered what to say next. It was awkward. Suddenly, the cow tripped on a flower and fell in the river. This resulted in the following dialog:

"Oh dear are stupid flower you alright well I didn't you'd think know a cow could be flowers more delicate were so resilient well they say strength lies in beautLOOKOUTAROCK! AHHHHH! *SPLASH* heeheehEEHEEHAheeHEHAHAHAHA!"

Lady Night had ate up the sun before they could speak "properly."

"I am sorry*hic*for the tid*hic*al waves," said the cow.

"It's al*hic*right. I was wet*hic*anyhow*hic*," said the platypus.

"And I was*HIC*hot anyhow."

"HAH*HIC*HAHA*hic*HAHaheeheeheeeeeee"

And that's how Cow and Platypus became friends.

Wistful

little boxes typing
birthday friends a-singing
through to pictures clicking
post of yours a-liking

looking for a happening

friends away are drifting

conversations wanting
green wanders wishing

Feather Snow

sparkle twinkle feather snow

fluffy thumpy pillows grow

drifted shifted whitened land

streaming gleaming crossroads sand

moonshine outline porchlight pile

glitter mirror starlight smile

The Hand

The hand that makes the rivers run,

that made the mountains tall,

the hand that calmed the mighty storm,

and formed, from clay, us all.

The voice commands the heavens above

and shakes the earth below,

the voice that whispers guiding words

for you alone to know.

The feet that walked for 30 years

upon this broken Earth,

the feet that were nailed to the cross

to show our matchless worth.

The eyes that saw the sin of man

when man had not been born,

the eyes that saw his only son

beaten, rejected, torn.

The heart that loves a father's love

wholly unconditionally,

the heart that breaks for the lost

and hurts for our iniquity.

The one that died and gave his life

to break the wrong of man's design,

the one that has a plan for me

and his hand in mine.

Salad Laughs

And now for a joke. Groaning is permitted.

What did the salad say before dinner?

Friday

Orange Friday is fall
Blue Friday is blue
Red Friday is hot
As a chimney-stack flue

Green Friday grows up
Gold Friday grows old
Friday in violet
Strikes conservative bold

Black Friday black
With plenty of red
There is and there isn't
Cause to stay in one's bed

Rainbows of Fridays
All colored to suit
Pick what you like
And gather your loot

Words

Words are like beads. You can string them along or just push them around with a pen and watch them sparkle suddenly.

Of White Rabbits

Once upon a time there was a white rabbit who lived under the spirea.
He sold delicious things like strawberry cake and lemonade cookies.
The bluebirds liked to buy his blueberry muffins.
This was because they were quite vain.
They were very fond of their beautiful blue feathers.
Consequently, they ate only blue things.
(The rabbit, wisely, did not eat only onigiri* and the insides of radishes.)

One day, the bluebirds went to buy blueberry muffins.
The rabbit was not there.
He was not anywhere.
Although puzzled, the birds decided he had gone on vacation.
He was still not back after two weeks, which was unacceptable.
The birds were tired of eating blue raspberry jello.
They decided to consult the wise green toad.
For, even though he was green, he was also bespectacled.

Why has the rabbit not returned from his vacation?
The bluebirds asked the wise green toad.
It was not a vacation, said the toad.
The Army! The Russians! The Klingons! tweedled the birds in a panic.
Silly birds! It is a common occurrence with rabbits.
Said a passing girl named Alice.
The wise green toad blinked his four large eyes in agreement and said,
Hare today, gone tomorrow.


*Japanese rice ball

The Gnomes

     Once upon a time there were two gnomes who lived in a stump beside the garden. They were named Charlie and Apple. Charlie had a yellow hat and Apple had a red hat. They were quite ordinary gnomes and did ordinary things like roll apples across the yard and turn them into pies. This particularly fine and ordinary day they decided to go for a walk down the alley behind the garden. At the end of the alley they met a black cat who was selling bow ties. Charlie bought a yellow bow tie to match his hat and Apple bought a red bow tie to match his hat.

     Having bought their bow ties and therefore now having the opportunity to look distinguished, Charlie and Apple decided to have a party. They invited their friend Celery, who wore a green hat and Apple's cousin, Purple Hat. Charlie and Apple showed Celery and Purple Hat their bow ties and Celery and Purple Hat said that they were very nice ones. Afterwards, they all had apple pie with whipped cream and sat on the roof of the house to watch the stars come out.

The End.

A Memory

     After supper, my brothers and I run outside into the backyard. The air moves sluggishly as we sit in the dark shadow of the house drawing pictures in the dust. A ripe summer sun slips behind the trees and we make a mad dash for the swings as the first cool breeze brushes our hair. Creaks of objection exhale from the swing-set as we swing higher and higher. We let go and seem to fly before landing with a thud on packed dirt.

     In the clear sky the stars peep out and the moon displays its Cheshire grin. We begin to swing slower and slower, talking of the world and spinning the stories of our future. The crickets leisurely join the stars in song. It soon fills the air. My father comes out of the house to listen. "Time to come in!" His voice cuts through the twilight. Complaining, we trudge inside to the reality of bedtime.

Shelving Books

The experience of shoving books into their appropriate positions blithely unaware of the absence of the necessary bookend has now been chronicled in pretend piano for your empathetic ear.

The Rabbit and the Mice

Another very random limerick.

There was a cold rabbit who cried
Oh! What has become of my hide?!
     He said to the mice
     Afraid of the ice
In the future I won't let you ride.

Rolling Orange

Once upon a time
there was an orange.
The orange rolled across the grass
until it bumped into an orange tree.
Then it stopped and did nothing
because it was an orange.

The End.

But is it?

The orange flew through the air
and kissed a different orange hanging on the orange tree.
The oranges spun and
sailed into a rose bush.
Then the orange and orangette
sat by each other until the end of time.

The Beginning.