Cow and Platypus Consider

For Aunt Amy, my favorite Lunch Lady/Librarian


Out of a rosy sunrise sky, a blueberry bagel once ringed itself on a cow's horn.

"What's this?!" said Cow.

"Oh, that's just the eagles harvesting breakfast," said Platypus.

"Well, now I have a bagel on my horn," grumbled Cow, "And I can't even eat it."

"We should ask the lunch lady what to do."

"Lunch ladies don't know anything about breakfast! Besides, they're mean."

"You're jumping to conclusions."

"I'm not jumping to anything!"

"Are too!"

Cow and Platypus looked at each other and considered a water fight. After all, that would make the bagel soggy and likely to fall off.

Suddenly, a voice said, "You should consider the librarian."

Cow and Platypus shrieked and yelled, "A LIBRARIAN?! WHERE?!"

"Right here," said the librarian.

"AHHHHHHHAHHHAHHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The librarian eyed Cow and Platypus over her glasses and placed a finger to her lips.

"NOOOOOO DON'T SAYshhhhhhhhh!"

Cow and Platypus gasped and held their breath.

The librarian smiled sweetly and said, "Now, how can I help you?"

"Cow has a bagel on her horn," said Platypus, "and I don't have hands."

The librarian took the bagel off Cow's horn and they all had a snack of toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese.

"That was a nice librarian," said Cow, as the librarian walked away.

The librarian turned and yelled back, "I forgot to tell you! I'm also a lunch lady!"

Cow and Platypus blinked.

"I guess she's a nice lunch lady too," said Platypus.

And that's how Cow and Platypus considered The Lunch Librarian nice.

Purple Hat

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump by a garden. They were ordinary but sometimes their relatives were not ordinary.

Charlie and Apple woke up on a nice day and were combing their beards (they were young gnomes and had nice red and brown beards, respectively) when they had a visit from Apple's cousin, Purple Hat. Purple Hat is called Purple Hat because he wears a purple hat and also because his real name is too secret to reveal because he is a secret agent. "A raccoon told me you have chocolate chip cookies," he said.

So, they ate cookies and milk and talked about many secret things in code. Like, about a banana riding a chocolate bar and a crocodile eating green jello (which is very unusual because everyone knows that crocodiles hate to eat jello).

They also discussed his archnemisis, a burgerlar named Cheese. He sneaks into countries where the people hate cheese and puts cheese on their burgers (that is why he is called a burgerlar). Everyone knows that it is a terrible thing to ruin someone's dinner so Purple Hat has sworn to defeat him (This secret project of defeating Cheese is so secret that everyone knows about it.)

While they were talking, suddenly Purple Hat disappeared into a cloud of smoke! Charlie looked at Apple and said, "Does he really need to be so dramatic when leaving?" "I'm still here!" said Purple Hat, "Your fireplace is broken."

After calling the chimney sweep, they went outside for fresh air. A helicopter suddenly descended and Purple Hat jumped aboard and rode away to his next secret assignment. "Told you he's a drama king," said Charlie.

The End.

Real Rain

Prosy poem or poemy prose? You decide.

Middle of the night stirs to hear the rain on the roof

After so long it surprises me

Not a thunder-rain or a wonder-is-it-there-rain 

But a Real steady splish sploshing and pitter pattering

I sleep away and wonder the wheres of January snow

Slip awake again and not expecting rain

Yet still as real and still no thunder

The uncanny silenced Kansas thunder

Remembering when I first realized

That in other places it rained without

Booms and lights and storm chasers

Tornado watches and wind that tears the leaves

In books is rain that falls without these things

We sometimes got a quiet rain but never Real

Just sprinkles, sudden showers or mists in the dark
How odd for it to rain without the shake of thunder

No other shoe dropping from the sky
Do not showers always draw up thunderstorms?

Woke again at wake-up-time and still it really rained

A strange comfortable cloudy darkness

Wishing for a cozy listening all day long

Recalling green and droughtless England

And a lush wet Kansas spring right before a brutal summer

When I stared at the world as though just three days old

Workday called my name and rose and went and still it rained

Soon out of mind until someone asked
And someone mentioned only mist

It made me sad to hear it gone

The Night Trip

Once upon a time there were two gnomes named Charlie and Apple who lived in a stump shaped like a chair and wore yellow and red hats, respectively. They were ordinary and did ordinary things. One night, they decided to take a trip to the country to see the stars.

Walking down the alley to the main road, they hitched a ride on a passing truck (this being possible because the driver was an old man who had forgotten his glasses at home). Shortly arriving in the country, they hopped off, crossed the rain ditch, and lay down on a rock to star-watch.

Suddenly, a raccoon jumped out of the grass, "ARRRRR!" Charlie and Apple were quite startled and squeaked like mice. The known-to-be-friendly raccoon sat down and blushed. He explained that he had been practicing his attack-jump on the rock. Charlie and Apple shared their chocolate chip cookies with him and counted seven shooting stars. Afterwards, they rode the raccoon back into town because there were no trucks.

The End.


Regretfully, it's been a whole year since I've written anything (as you may notice). Since then, I've acquired both a new job and a cute little rental house. Here's to finding the glee in words and my thesaurus once again.

10 Page Papers: A Tutorial

In honor of finishing grad school and, as a result, of never again needing to write a research paper against my will, I offer this tutorial, drawn from the well of my experience, for future and present paper-writers. Please take with a grain of salt.

When confronted with a 10-pager, one is likely to panic. There are three sure antidotes:

1. If confrontation occurs at the beginning of the semester in the form of a syllabus, one may shove thoughts of the paper to the back of the mind.*
2. Having exhausted the first option, Wikipedia is a reliable source of inspiration. Search all wherefores and whodunits and become thoroughly distracted clicking from link to link to link investigating your potentially awesome subject.** 
3. Make an outline of points, each to cover a single paragraph (see below for details). Include the introduction and the conclusion to make it look longer.

One should plan to have each paragraph take a whole page. This leads to only having to discuss, at most, eight points, having at least two of which are merely extensions of their predecessors (i.e. "in the past century" and "in the future century" or "outside of a cow" and "inside of a cow"), and having one of which covers controversies.

The addition of controversies to one's paper is quite beneficial. They nearly always have the marvelous effect of taking two or more paragraphs to hammer to death since there is an ample and affordable supply of opinions, many of which can be reworded in half a dozen ways. This also has the convenient effect of making up for those inevitable half-page paragraphs (however well-intentioned to be a full page) caused by sudden attacks of indifference.

It is well known that the introduction and conclusion, being nearly void of facts and requiring much original thought, are the two most difficult paragraphs to write. The so called "body" of the paper is less trying. Please take note of the following: